I think there’s many people out there on the internet who joined said internet to become famous and fail. I think there’s many people who joined the internet with the assumption that they can be anonymous and fail. This site is neither. I am not looking to be famous and I am confident that anonymity no longer exists.

This “blog” was created after series of crashouts. When I opened WordPress, my intention was to make a website showing my marketing skills and some coding skills. Halfway through I thought, what the f am I doing?

I was not in love with marketing anymore and I wasn’t sure I was even good at it. Soooooo that’s what I put in the domain suggestion annnnnnd it was available. After that, I decided to not make a marketing page but make something to help me figure out MY answer to what the f am I doing… 

After confessing to my bestie and my husband of this blog, I feel a bit of relief. Adding information about myself to the internet initially felt like exposure of sorts. I didn’t know what I was doing but I was doing something.. I was contributing to the world.. I was putting myself out there.

As I saw some views and even a like come through it hit me.. I am exposed to the internet… people can see me if they choose to. They can judge me. They can think I am not funny. And let’s be soooo for real there is no control.

You cannot have exposure without the fear being exposed. You cannot have a bank account without the fear of someone hacking it. You cannot run without the fear of falling. You cannot love without the fear of loss.

Fear, as uncomfortable as it is, is pivotal to life. I feel as though fear has really run my life the last few years in a lot of ways. Fear of failing, fear people don’t really like me, fear that there is nothing I am actually good at, fear that I will never find what I am supposed to do with my life.

Side note my child and family do give me purpose. I just mean what f am I doing? Yea know?

My Sunday night tradition of stress, hopelessness and an uncomfortable anticipation of yet another week of me not knowing what the f I am doing has officially hit its stride.

I hope there is a future version of myself looking back on this hectic time in my life as a whimsical origin story and not the time I truly lost my mind. A time where doors kept slamming shut as windows opened with each thud.

Night night witches!

Emmathy