As I writing my first blog ever I am actively thinking what the f am I doing? I am internally screaming as I pay for a YEAR subscription to WordPress for a glorified diary… What am I actually doing???

As I start my 32nd year of life, I realize that I need to, deserve to, have an obligations to figure out what the f I am doing before I actually lose my mind.

Here is what I know so far.. I am a mom to a one year old son and a wife of 3 years (together for 12). I am in marketing as a profession for now but I have not felt joy in my career for a long time. I don’t know what the f I am doing nor who I want to be.

It all started my first night in college. I was staring at the ceiling, while a stranger slept in the bunk next to me. My parents were at the hotel down the road planning to leave me at a college I wanted to go to.. how dare they. I remember laying thinking oh shit.. what am I doing!? Am I even allowed to be unattended? I have always wanted freedom but now what. Then again about half way through my college graduation. I was listening to names being called out in the sauna that is a South Georgia thinking.. what am I going to do now? After that I gain confidence, cockiness, and alcohol fueled spunk. I thought I knew it all. And as I moved to apartments to houses to getting married the rush faded, the cockiness was traded for cowardice and I sat their in the living room of our new home thinking what the f am I doing? 

I didn’t like my job, I didn’t like the way I looked, I didn’t like my attitude or where my life was headed. I was too scared to put myself out there but curious on what that would look like. I used humor to feel like myself but even that started to feel foreign.

We bought a house.. a shitty house we would come to learned but I feel bad for talking bad about her. We have had poo-namis, roof leaks, broken fences, broken everything , and here we are. We have owned our home for three years in September.

So that is a little about me internet. Here I am, slight broke, slightly a professional, slightly a mom, slightly a wife and extremely not knowing what the f I am doing. What better way to figure that out then to write my thoughts and feelings out to the universe. Maybe if I can get my words out they won’t haunt me as much as they do now. 

Love always,
Emmathy